The County Final
by Daire Turner
On the Sixth of October in St. Patrick’s Park,
To beat Oulart would require a display of determination and heart,
T’was a draw the first day, neither team could be split up,
B’god we weren’t leaving town without this fucking cup!
Mog’s is a fair shot stopper; it has to be said,
But the hoor is liable to let a few balls drop in over his head!
After a shaky start, he had an unbelievable year,
But only after the Shugs had an ‘inspirational’ word in his ear!
With two corner backs like Nolan and Doran,
All you’d hear at full back is little corner forwards groan,
With pulling and sawing, they are rough men with hurling sticks,
Sure it was left to me at full back to produce all the deft touches and flicks!
Mick Sweeney hurled wing back in an unfamiliar role,
But to win a county medal, sure he’d have hurled in the goal!
A superb little hurler, who will give all he can,
And sure you’d never win nothing without a good Knocknaskeough man!
Chris Daly, our centre back had a good year aswell,
As he finally got engaged to the lovely Michelle,
Some of the boys enquired, ‘Who would be the best man?’
Ed Rowesome allowed, ‘Well I can guarantee you it won’t be either Scallan or Fran!’
Denis Walsh is the scaldiest man in our half back line,
Sure you can’t blame him for having to listen to Lara all the time!
In the replay, he never gave young Storey a stroke at all,
And you could hear Aul’ Willie on the line going ‘on the ball’, ‘on the ball’!
Damien Fenlon in midfield was always giving out,
I suppose he is like the Aul’ Hern in that he has a big mouth!
Jos Loughlin was perplexed he said, ‘Jaysus you’re useless Hern!
You can’t make the intermediate team and it being picked by your Uncle Fran?!
Larry Murphy is a good man to get you a score,
But he came out second best in his recent fight with the floor!
He found it hard to make training as he was driving tractors all year,
To be fair, the only ride Larry will ever get will be off a John Deere!!
Paddy Walsh and Bryan Dwyer are two hardy chaps,
They are well able to take as well as hand out slaps!
In winning the county final the two boys got a big lift,
As they were sure that their county medals would get them their first shift!
You’d think winning the county title would give Ed Rowesome the biggest thrill,
That’s where you’d be wrong according to Ed’s sidekick Will,
Ed reckoned ‘Hurling in County finals don’t mean as much to me,
As getting to say that I have hurled with the great Walter Pandiani!!’
Training wouldn’t be high on the agenda of Mick Salo,
Its pints of Heineken that fuel this Mullanree tyro!
When Mick togged out, the Oulart lads sniggered, B’god Salo is bet!
Be’Jaysus they weren’t nearly as cheerful, when Salo rattled their net!
John Salo became a Daddy for the first time this year,
But even little Evan couldn’t get him to go up another gear!
He is fair man to get frees and to whinge and to complain,
It should be good term next year so with the return of Keith Swaine!
As big ignorant full forwards go, theres none better than Jos,
And if we ever doubt his ability, he’s not slow to remind us!
Of that day in Farmleigh, where we started quite slowly,
But Jos struck three times to bury Bunclody!!
Being Managers son had James Gahan under pressure straight away,
But it was the mark of a good chap how he hurled every day.
A contrary little hoor, and from an argument he wouldn’t hide,
The Duck reckons that obviously comes from the Cousins side!
If you are looking for a lazy fucker, look no further than Dowd!
As this sleepy hoor really stands out from the crowd!
He fancies himself as a ladies man; I have to ask him to stop,
As the poor egit wouldn’t get a bird even if he owned a pet shop!!
Winning his first county medal and the age of thirty nine,
If I was going into battle I’d have Dec Kelly with me every time!
His man hit him a head butt, just to test him out
I think he got his answer after his sixth or seventh clout!!
As long as I’ve been hurling, there’s not many harder than the Staffords,
And this year was no exception with Aul Podge and the Clackers,
Clackers is trying to hurl as long as he can like me,
While Podge is trying to manage the Juniors and the mercurial Pandiani!
Young Diarmuid Breen is one of the fastest men on the team,
As the county final was the first day that he was actually seen!
The Bull Sean McCabe would never take a step back or yield,
And by Christ no Oulart man will take away the Bull McCabes field!!
Big Finn has never had much pace to burn,
Sure he’d need a ten acre field in order to turn!
When Noeleen puts the dinner out, Finn would ate and he’d ate,
Aidan reckons it’s a round feeder he needs instead of a plate!
Paul Farrington decided to hurl with the Junior B’s this year,
When he realised the prize for the John Jude was a few kegs of beer!
I’ve been meaning to ask Paul, does it ever get awkward?
When you are drinking with the Shugs and then tackling his daughter??
Liam Gahan has had violent hardship with injuries this year,
Billy Gahan said it was just an excuse for him to go on the beer!
With all his hamstring problems, I thought it was very mean
Of Denis Walsh to start calling him the junior version of John Breen!
Brian Bolger took time out from his rugby career,
To hurl junior ‘a’ with Monageer for one match this year,
He’s not here tonight, but he actually said it was an honour,
To share the same pitch as his hero, the great Daire Turner!!!
Brendan Carton hurled with us before heading to Oz,
And he’s ten times as ignorant as his Aul lad ever was,
Brendan said he emigrated as he couldn’t take any more
Of helping John when he’s reffing keeping track of the score!!
What a management team were Dwyer, Square and Duck!
Who took on a junior team that was considered muck,
Training was held in the swimming pool to help us to win,
Where for the first time in my life I saw a Duck that couldn’t swim!
The boys agreed that Duck and Dwyer would be the master tacticians,
That left the Square in charge of the strength and conditioning!
Joe Kirwan introduced acupuncture into his physio role,
And if he brings back those needles next year, they will be shoved up his hole!
It was such a great honour to captain these men,
As their ignorance is only matched by their skill and their passion,
As for me, I’m not expecting Christmas cards from Bunclody or the Rock,
But we have the county title so I don’t give a flying fuck!!